This year I set out on a mission to find the worst, cheesiest and creepiest Valentine’s Day gifts.

I call it a mission, but really a mission wouldn’t have been this easy.

It’s that time of year where Cupid has vomited red, pink and all around stupid onto the shelves on seemingly every retail store.

I’ve been tweeting out our contestants using #creepycupidvomit for a little more than two weeks.

Now, I give you the winners.

Meet the Perfect Man. 

True, I’d rather spend an evening with him than on an awkward first date, but seriously. Forgo the cheap chocolate and bring me the good stuff. Bad chocolate in a creepy mold does not beat good chocolate in a boring mold. Good chocolate always wins.

Meet Beef Jerky in a Furry Box

This is just so unnecessary. That fo-furr is not cute. Take the extra creative up-charge you’re spending on that box buy some normal beef jerky and six pack of beer. Put a bow on it if it will make you feel better. No one needs a furry box of beef jerky. No one.

Meet the Valentine’s Day refugees 

All they wanted was love, and they got trampled. If your sweetheart is the stuffed animal type, the creature is destined for cuddling. No one wants to cuddle something that’s been hanging out on big box store’s floor.

Meet Solar Dancing Cupid and Solar Dancing Devil 

If you’re thinking about buying a gift, ask yourself two very important questions. “Will my sweetheart use this any other time than the first two weeks of February?” and “Does this gift have nightmare inducing eyes?” Did you answer yes? Put it down. Back away slowly.

Meet the Solid Milk Chocolate Mug

This isn’t actually beer, and it’s made of bad chocolate. Find real beer and real chocolate, and actually make this beer-lover’s day.

Meet a Really Frightening Cupcake Card

Cupcakes should never make this kind of screeching noise. Ever.