Ticket Sarasota editor Wade Tatangelo just listed his 7 reasons Sarasota is the best place to live in Florida. Of course, it’s not just his opinion, U.S. News & World Report placed us at No. 21, ahead of any other place in Florida, for its 100 Best Places to Live in the USA.
Of course, this is all a lie.
Sarasota is terrible; please don’t come here.
Here’s our 7 reasons to stay away from Sarasota.
Traffic.
From Anna Maria Public Beach to Venice Beach it’s roughly 40 miles. If you leave now, you might make it before the sun expires or the University Parkway construction is finished.
Weather
Sure there’s sunshine almost every day of the year. But you know what sunshine also brings besides a healthy does of vitamin D? Humidity. Soul-crushing humidity. And don’t believe anyone when they tell you you get used to it. They’re deluding themselves.
Mosquitos
Yes, it’s true, other places have these invisible flying demons from the pits of hell, but they also get a respite due to cooler temps in the winter. Not here. We have a year-round mosquito season. Stock up on DEET.
Palmetto bugs
This is our fancy way of saying giant cockroaches. They’re so big I feel bad for killing them. I think they have souls.
Palm rats
Apparently rats live in trees here and eat the fruit. They fear no human.
Sunscreen
Walk down Main Street any afternoon and you get overwhelmed with the stench of SPF1000 wafting in the breeze. Yay for taking precautions against skin cancer, but you don’t have to apply so liberally.
Florida Man
You don’t know when or where he’ll strike, but he’s waiting, ready to heap national embarrassment on your wounded pride.
Of course, this is all in jest. We know we’re awesome and totally get why people want to visit our beaches, bask in our ozone and sit back and chill with a drink or 10. We get it. Please come and spend your tourist dollars and drive our economy.
Just be sure to bring a healthy dose of patience when you drive, spray on the bug repellant and maybe not so much Coppertone.