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Server Chronicles: The Bread Man

Yes, I heard that you wanted more bread.

 

Wait. No. You NEED more bread.

I can see you need more bread by you waving the empty basket at me with the worst smile I have ever seen.

Some of us need water, oxygen, and rent money.

But you, sir, you need your third basket of (free) bread before your meal even arrives.

I wonder what bread factory you were born in that this is literally dire to your existence.

Can I take a tour?

 

Anywho, it is 7 p.m. on a Saturday night, which is also the busiest night of the week at most casual-dining restaurants.

How do people not know this?

Oh they do, they just don’t care, ok, got it.

I am knees-deep into four tables that all need drink refills, their orders taken, and a bill dropped off. Food is taking 20 minutes, there’s no sweet tea brewed, and I start to consider walking out the back door and not saying anything.

I heard you when you asked for more bread; I just haven’t gotten to it yet.

I also drowned out the sound of your voice with me picturing the bread factory you were born in catching on fire.

But yes, you are the only person in the restaurant, sir.

I must have missed the red carpet you walked in on.

 

You said it’s been 20 minutes since you asked which is literally impossible because you sat down 15 minutes ago.

Why do people lie when they’re hungry?

 

I return, with a million-dollar, fakest smile of my life, smile, and the basket is filled to the brim.

When I do that, it means I hate you.

“Oh wow, thank you so much.”

This translates to “you won’t be getting a tip because you took more than .2 seconds to get that for me.”

 

But me, I am still a gem all of the way through. I hold in my anger like a champion.

I hope for the best.

Maybe he’s different.

Maybe he is just antsy.

Sometimes antsy people are generous, they just don’t know how to behave in public.

 

I drop the check and pray for the best.

Don’t you see I am a hard-working college student trying to live?

I needed that bread to eat more than you did, let’s be real.

 

“Can we have some bread and butter to-go? We just love that brown bread.”

Oh I’m sure you do.

Wait.

You don’t even have butter at your house?

Margarine?

What is going on?

 

Absolutely.

You monster.

 

$10 tip on an $80 check.

 

Hope you enjoyed all the free bread. Hopefully the memory of serving you will pay my car payment because $10 won’t.

 

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